There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
