Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
