I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Drunk is a universal language darling
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