Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Vodka?
Forever.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
