I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize