Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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