Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
