Old men and throwing up are my life now.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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