Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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