There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
