Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Randomize
