She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
