I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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