Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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