My liver just broke up with me...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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