One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
