Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
