The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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