If that was your dad, he is hot
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
