I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
