I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
