My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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