don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize