1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
