dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
