Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
