how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Mom said you looked used
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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