The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
