I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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