Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
