tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
