Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize