you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
