So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
