i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
