I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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