he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
