The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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