i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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