Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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