last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
