oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
