just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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