Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
