I want to stick my p in your. b.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The struggles of a small town man whore
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
