I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
