I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
