WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Randomize
