I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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