i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just invented taco cereal.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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