she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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