Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
