how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
