I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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