I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
