my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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