things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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