Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
