i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i love accidental penises.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
