I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
