Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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