fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize